I was struggling to think of shit to share, but after my weekly debrief/lunch with the boys today, I've got a couple of stories I want to post. I'm going to aim to do one a day, but since I didn't put one up yesterday, you can have two today.
This first one is by request of A FRIEND THAT USED TO HAVE A VERY RACIST NICKNAME I HAVE REMOVED BECAUSE IT IS 2019 AND IT IS NOT OK TO HAVE THAT SHIT ON A PERSONAL BLOG.
So this New Year's past, I went to Edinburgh to spend it with the aforementioned FRIEND. Jumped off the train the afternoon of New Year's eve, and went to the nearby Tesco to buy booze for the flat party we were attending that night. After debating what booze to buy, and eventually settling on what may or may not have been cooking wine, we headed back HIS HOUSE. As we were driving I jokingly said 'I'm starting to get a headache, I bet it's my hangover from tomorrow coming back in time to warn me.' Har har har, we both laughed.
If only I'd known how right I was.
(I don't do regrets, but the rest of this story is definately not one of my proudest moments. I hope you find it so entertaining it hurts.)
So MY FRIEND and I are chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, playing a game called 'roll the pigs' or some shit. Obviously we're drinking. Six cans in, each, we head out to this flat party. It's not massively important, but bear in mind that I had never met any of these people before in my life. The flat party was good, with MY FRIEND and I each drinking a litre of SoCo and lemonade. The last thing after that that I remember is someone shouting we should play ring of fire, cracking open my bottle of wine and taking a hearty swig. Fade to black.
I wake up the next day, face down in my boxers on MY FRIEND'S spare bedroom floor. I try and remember what happened last night, and come to the conclusion that I must have been fucked, as I don't even remember going to the club we were meant to go to.
Now I've debated for a wee while revealing this next detail, but as long as you promise not to judge me too harshly, as I'm sure we've all done something similar, I guess I can share it.
As I pick myself up off the floor and stumble to the bed, I think to myself 'fucking hell, it must have been raining cats and dogs last night, I am soaking.' Upon more sober retrospection, I can only assume that what actually happened was that after getting home, at some point in the night, I got up to go to the bathroom, fell, passed out on the floor and subsequently pissed myself.
So I stagger to bed, and pass out again, waking up at five o'clock in the evening, being asked down to dinner. I am faced with a lovely roast dinner, but can only manage two mouth fulls as I still feel so ill I want to puke and puke and never stop. Luckily MY FRIEND'S parents were very understanding, and put it in the fridge for me to eat later. It was divine. At this point I am then told of my escapades the night before.
1: After finishing my bottle of wine, I proceeded to hurl it at the wall. Luckily it didn't smash, although it did, however, leave a lovely wine stain on the wall.
2: I staggered up to the host of the party, and said 'I think you're really fit, do you want to get with me?' Obviously her answer was no, and I don't blame her.
3: By this point I can barely stand, so MY FRIEND props me up as we move out onto the street to view the fireworks. Apparently while everyone else is gawping at the fire works, I turn to MY FRIEND and say 'Two seconds bud.' Turn away from him and proceed to take a slash, in the middle of the street.
4: On the way back to the flat I flat out refuse to climb the three sets of stairs, so MY FRIEND and his friend are forced to grab a leg each and puppet me up the stairs.
5: The first taxi that they call for me flat out refuses to take me, but the second one agrees after I am provided with a bucket, just in case.
6: I threw up on MY FRIEND'S doorstep.
7: He then gets me to my bed, but after five minutes of talking to me and slapping me to get me to wake up begins to worry that I might be dead, so he wakes his Mum up. She walks in the room, says 'Sogz, drink this water.' I immediately sit up and do so.
The End. For me.
MY FRIEND then went back into Edinburgh to meet his friends at the club. It turns out the owner's had oversold the event and the police were on hand to stop people going in. MY FRIEND starts up a conversation with one of the bobbies, who firmly tells him there's no way he's getting into the club. When a fight breaks out, he thinks he's quids in, as the policeman he's speaking to must have to leave to break it up, and then he can sneak in. As if reading his mind, the copper says 'If you're not stood in this exact spot when I get back, I'm going to arrest you.' 'Bollocks' thinks MY FRIEND, and attempts to stagger off into the crowd before being collared from behind by a very irate policeman. 'I fucking warned you, now I'm going to do you for breach of the peace' says the copper, reaching for his handcuffs. 'If I leave right now, will you please not arrest me?' 'If you leave right now, sure.' 'What if I don't leave right now?' 'Fuck this, I'm doing you mate.' MY FRIEND proceeds to run off into the night. (I can't remember if that's exactly how it ended, so apolgies TO MY FRIEND if I got that bit wrong.)
The actual End.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not normally this much of a mess when I drink, it just seems New Year's doesn't agree with me. More on that later.
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