Shit You've Probably Heard Before: With chat up lines like these, how the fuck am I still single?

Can't really think of anything more substantial to put on here today, so thought I would share some of my completely unsuccessful attempts at chatting up birds. 

1: Sat in the pub chatting up these two girls who I knew through work when I wapped this bad boy out:

Line: Some people don't realise....(takes off glasses and eye fucks the shit out of them)....quite   how blue my eyes are. 

Result: The two lassies I used this on laughed in my face and told me to fuck off.

2: I'm at a flat party chatting up a girl and she mentions that she's from Dundee. I then proceed to say this:

Line:  So are you pregnant yet? (look of absolute horror from everyone in the room) Wait wait wait, the punchline is 'because I've heard if you're not pregnant by the time you're 16 in Dundee, they stone you as a lesbian.'

Result: I probably would have gotten a better reception if I'd shat on the floor. Nearly got punched in the face but managed to defuse the situation enough that I didn't get kicked out.

3: I'd been on a night out once with a coworker and his brother were he told me that a 'trick' he used was to wander up next to a girl at the bar, buy her a drink, wink and then walk off. I thought this was bullshit until he spent the rest of the night just standing at the side of the dance floor looking disinterested and drowning in fanny. 

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. There's two girls I always see in Liquid that i'm quite vocally in love with, although from afar. I have no idea what their names are, but I can tell we're meant to be together. 

It's the normal wednesday night in Liquid, i'm suited, booted, and boozed up like a mother fucker. I reckon I could barely stand by the point I spot one of my objects of affection across the dance floor, stood on her own at the bar. 

(This next exchange happens while I stand in the same spot, swaying from side to side with a look of devilishly handsome, yet strained, concentration.)

'Fucking go for it son.' says my brain. 'Fucking right bud, just swagger on over and crack out the 'eyes' line.' says the booze. 'Fuck that, tonight is the night you should try that whole 'buy a girl a drink then wander off' thing.' 'But she's not at the bar anymore.' 'So buy her a drink and take it over to her.' 'But I don't know what she wants.' 'Then give her the money for a drink.' 'That is the best idea ever, she can't not fall in love with me after I do that.'

You would assume that people have safeguards in their mind to stop them doing socially unacceptable shit like that, but as many have discovered, when it comes to what is and isn't acceptable, I seem to have missed that lesson at school. 

So I stagger over to her, clutching two pound coins in my sweaty fist, struggle to stop walking, and with no preamble whatsoever thrust my hand at her face and mumble 'here, buy yourself a drink.' She was actually quite polite and only said 'No thanks, have a good night.' before no doubt running away to the loos with her friends to bleach her face and laugh at me. 

This has also made me remember another night in Liquid:

4: Dancing the night away in Liquid, I spot a poor young woman stood alone, at that bit with all the railings. In my head, I discreetly point her out to my friends, explain I'm going to go and chat her up, and then proceed to do so. What I suspect actually happened is I quite blatantly point at her while shouting 'Oi lads, I'm going to go chat that bird up, she looks lonely!' before sprinting across the dance floor, swinging my way under two sets of railings and popping up next to her. Before I even get a 'hi' out of my mouth, she looks me up and down, says 'No.' and then walks off. 

I'll try and put more of my 'romantic' escapades up as and when I can unlock that bit of my brain where hurtful memories are repressed.