Apologies for the lack of updates on here, I've had shit going on and struggled to find the motivation to write anything.
(I apologise to anyone that was with me when this particular story happened, as I think I may get some of the details of who was were at what time wrong, but hey ho, it's my blog fuck you.)
I was on a night out in St Andrews, it might actually have been the same one where I threatened to cut that bitch. After kicking out time, Laurence and I decided to hit up Dervish for reasons I cannot remember. (Corfu is my mother fucking jam yo.)
I was stood in what was meant to be a queue but was much more like a scrum when I looked to my right and recognised the bouncer from The Vic. I can't remember the exact conversation we had, but I'm going to assume it was all about the 'cut you bitch' thing, and then we stared at some chicks tits for a while, and then I got served and went outside. Laurence and I waited outside as we had bumped into Miles at some point.
As we sat there a bloke staggered up to us, and in an Australian accent asked 'Hey mates, can I sit with guys for a while? My brother's gone off to do drugs, and I'm not really into that sort of thing.' 'No worries bud, pull up some kerb.' So we shot the shit with this guy for a while. He told us his name, which escapes me, and that he was visiting his brother who was a student at the uni. He also told us he'd broken his driving license the night before, because he had it in his hand when he was climbing a wall which he subsequently fell off. He seemed nice enough. Then, mid sentence, his head snaps up and he focuses intently on two young ladies stood waiting for a taxi across the street. 'Excuse me mates, I'll be right back.' He then strides purposefully across the road, looks them both in the eye and says ridicuously loudly (and you know that mother fucker was loud when I have an issue with his volume.) 'So, which one of you two cunts is going to suck my dick?' We were expecting him to come back, if at all, with a stilletto stuck in his eye, but the lassies were bizarrely polite. 'We're alright, thanks.' and walked off. He walks back over to us and with a dejected sigh says 'Bugger, that normally works.'
For the next half hour he spends his time talking to us whilst intermittently shouting at random passing women. 'Hey Whore! Want to suck my dick!?' 'Hey Bitch! Wanna suck me off!?' etc. At one point he leaves us to speak to a lassie across the street, and walks off round the corner with her. Laurence Miles and I sat there in stunned disbelief, assuming the line had actually worked.
We were wrong. He returned moments later and in reply to our queries of what had happened somberly replied 'Stupid bitch didn't want to suck my dick.'
Eventually Laurence and I grew tired, and headed for a taxi. As we said goodbye to our Ozzie hero, he looked up the street, to where an ambiguous silhouette was making it's way away from us. 'Hey mates, do you reckon that's a man or a woman?' 'No idea bud.' 'Well, there's only one way to find out,' he said over his shoulder as he ran off after his target, 'HEY WHORE! WANNA SUCK MY DICK!?'
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